If you've been watching the Caps Blahg Show, you've noticed our ups and downs, currently limited to the 4-2 win against Tampa and the 7-4 loss against Florida. You've been with us since the beginning, when we were bright-eyed youths fresh from the Shit Talk Academy in Andover, Massachusetts. As playoffs begin, we've grown into men and are beginning our first semester of So. Hood University (Prof. Plies is my favorite so far!), where we plan to drink a lot, yell at the television and (hopefully) see the Caps win numerous playoff games. Here are the things they need to do in order to prevent us from throwing stuff in a rage.
1. Neutralize Sean Avery.
Sean Avery is a douchebag of the highest order. The French word for "shower" is less of a douche than Sean Avery, who is known for being a decent player but a major asshole and causing other players to get mad and kick his ass. The Caps must recognize that he's a mincing fairy that no self-respecting homosexual would be caught dead with and therefore his words are meaningless. Alexander Ovechkin, the greatest hockey player of this day and age, recognizes this and will probably not react when Avery tries to antagonize him. Nevertheless, the rest of the team needs to be cool and not be drawn into a sorority-girl bitch fight that Sean Avery specializes in.
2. Learn how to play defense.
The Caps have never been able to play defense, and asking them to do so is futile. Nevertheless, it couldn't hurt to ask again. Please, Caps, learn how to prevent the puck from going past the goalie, which brings me to the next point.
3. Block shots.
Threeormore is not good. Our defense isn't good. These things matter in the playoffs. Someone needs to stop the goalie from flopping like my on-air jokes and get him to not let in every shot that looks easy. A puck is not a prostitute, Jose.
Stay tuned for possible LIVE Game 2 coverage from the Verizon Center. But definitely tune in to on Monday the 20th at 7pm for Game 3 against the New York Strangers.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Das Capitals
No, this isn't a blog about the Marxist implications of the Caps. Nor is it some German hockey propaganda. This is American hockey propaganda, specifically for fans of the Washington Capitals. If you're not a fan yet, read on and become one. If the following doesn't convince you, then go back to hell.
The Caps are great. Although their previous seasons didn't demonstrate their greatness very well, they were still great. After recently getting into a habit of winning a lot of their games, the Caps are now on of the NHL's prestige teams, like the Detroit Red Wings and those asshole Pittsburgh Penguins (a team the NHL higher-ups have a major hard-on for and promote like their lives depend on it. There will be a lot more Pittsburgh hatred from this blog in the future.) Promotion is up, attendance is up, the ability to impress hot chicks by saying you were a fan "before it was cool" is up, and much more. The greatness of the Caps, combined with truly godawful performances from the Redskins, Wizards and Nationals has made D. C. a hockey town. Having been converted in the 6th grade by the other blogger/commentator, this has been a dream come true.
However, like the dream of Civil Rights, our dream has been deferred, and therefore denied. The Caps have yet to get a Stanley Cup, being cut down early last year by those asshole Philadelphia Flyers (ASSHOLES!). Until they do, our struggle to overcome the oppression of other teams continues (We Shall Overcome is the backup Caps team song). However, every year it seems more likely that we'll reach the Holy Land, thanks to (arguably, though barely) the greatest players Russia and the rest of Europe has ever given this great country.
The point is that the Caps are taking over. It's happening as we speak. And we speak because it's happening and you don't know enough about it for some sick strange reason. You should listen to us speak because our knowledge and obsession with the Caps goes far beyond what the current Caps announcers are capable of. We drink. We curse. We yell at refs for their bullshit penalties or their good calls. We drink more. We yell at the Caps when they do something stupid (which is way too often in our book) or when they do something great. We drink more. We pass out after the game and play video games because we're drunk. When the next away game starts, the cycle repeats again, and the circle of life becomes complete.
We love the Caps. We lust for the Caps. We often have sexual fantasies about the Caps that sex columnist Dan Savage has called "unbelievably wrong and excessively homoerotic." We want you to join us in loving America's greatest hockey team and listen to what real fans really think about real hockey. Real Talk.
The Caps are great. Although their previous seasons didn't demonstrate their greatness very well, they were still great. After recently getting into a habit of winning a lot of their games, the Caps are now on of the NHL's prestige teams, like the Detroit Red Wings and those asshole Pittsburgh Penguins (a team the NHL higher-ups have a major hard-on for and promote like their lives depend on it. There will be a lot more Pittsburgh hatred from this blog in the future.) Promotion is up, attendance is up, the ability to impress hot chicks by saying you were a fan "before it was cool" is up, and much more. The greatness of the Caps, combined with truly godawful performances from the Redskins, Wizards and Nationals has made D. C. a hockey town. Having been converted in the 6th grade by the other blogger/commentator, this has been a dream come true.
However, like the dream of Civil Rights, our dream has been deferred, and therefore denied. The Caps have yet to get a Stanley Cup, being cut down early last year by those asshole Philadelphia Flyers (ASSHOLES!). Until they do, our struggle to overcome the oppression of other teams continues (We Shall Overcome is the backup Caps team song). However, every year it seems more likely that we'll reach the Holy Land, thanks to (arguably, though barely) the greatest players Russia and the rest of Europe has ever given this great country.
The point is that the Caps are taking over. It's happening as we speak. And we speak because it's happening and you don't know enough about it for some sick strange reason. You should listen to us speak because our knowledge and obsession with the Caps goes far beyond what the current Caps announcers are capable of. We drink. We curse. We yell at refs for their bullshit penalties or their good calls. We drink more. We yell at the Caps when they do something stupid (which is way too often in our book) or when they do something great. We drink more. We pass out after the game and play video games because we're drunk. When the next away game starts, the cycle repeats again, and the circle of life becomes complete.
We love the Caps. We lust for the Caps. We often have sexual fantasies about the Caps that sex columnist Dan Savage has called "unbelievably wrong and excessively homoerotic." We want you to join us in loving America's greatest hockey team and listen to what real fans really think about real hockey. Real Talk.
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